A simple question challenged me: “Are you excited to start your PhD?”

To answer it as simply as possible, of course I am excited to begin! After being rejected from a program before and facing the disappointment of walking through that process, I can’t believe I finally got accepted into a cohort of only 4–5 other doctoral students. I feel lucky. I still pinch myself and ask “why me?”

But, to answer the question truthfully, there is so much more to it than just excitement. Here is how I really feel as I start my PhD next month.

To get the negativity out of the way first, I find myself thinking about how dismal the academic job market is, and it probably does not help that I am surrounded by negativity online about this reality (thanks, LinkedIn). But yes, to be honest, the negativity informs how I really feel about starting my PhD. The PhD feels like a bit of a gamble; there is no guarantee of a professorship afterwards, nor is there promise of any job in academia at all. Regardless of those facts, however, I am excited to begin because I feel like I was made to do this.

There’s another side of me that is sitting in gratitude. I am so thankful to have a career (for the next 5 years at least) where I can pursue research (that I love and am so very interested in!) and also have a fully funded salary set up for me. I also get to grow in my ability to teach, mentor, and direct undergraduate students on their respective paths as a TA, and that role and responsibility is also fulfilling for me.

I recently ran into a PhD student in his 7th (8th?) year that I knew previously when I was doing my MA, and he gave me such a lovely encouragement: These are some of your best, most fulfilling years, so enjoy it. I feel that this will be so true. The amount of knowledge, training, skill development, and professionalism that a PhD will award me is incredible. So, another feeling within me is the feeling of waiting for those feelings to unfold, and my hope in trusting the process.

Another aspect is the mentorship I will receive from my supervisor, committee, readers, instructors, department head(s), chair(s), and upper-year students. I love the process of learning and growing as an individual, and to be able to find myself back in this path again is a heartwarming feeling. It is lovely to watch my own project unfold, to have “aha!” moments, and to genuinely feel my character develop as I find my way in this twisting, turning world of academia.

Maybe these feelings will change. Maybe they will shift. I am sure by the time I am submitting my dissertation that I will be grateful that it is finally over. But the steps I get to take along the way, to become an expert in my field and to produce new fields of knowledge, are incredibly compelling. There is no other place I’d rather be than doing this.

So, yes, I am excited to start my PhD.